Stupid Summer Activities VI: The Suitcase – The American Spectator

On Aug 26, 2023

As August comes to an end, many are forced to face the second-worst thing about a vacation: packing for the return trip. The first worst thing is packing for the outbound trip.

READ MORE from Itxu Díaz: Stupid Summer Activities V: Writing Letters to Ex-Girlfriends

The suitcase is an odious modern invention. It was much simpler in the old days to fill a chest. All it took was a whistle and the servants would leave it all neat and folded. Now I have been whistling for three hours in front of this modern smart suitcase, and nothing moves except myself, who keeps circling around it, examining it as if it were a UFO.

This outrageous stillness means I’ll eventually have to do it myself. I can see it coming — what kind of society are we leaving for our grandchildren?

If You Travel by Car

No matter what Marie Kondo says, history’s greatest rivalry is between the suitcase and the trunk. They are incompatible. My advice is to first fill the car with all your junk and then try to fit the empty suitcases in the gaps between the seats. If they don’t fit, give them to any low-cost airline to lose them.

When you get home, if you want to round off the plan, park directly next to the washing machine. Don’t try to toss them in by slamming on the brakes. I tried it and the idiot from the insurance company won’t believe my washing machine was in a fatal traffic accident.

If You Travel by Plane

Considering the lost luggage statistics, it probably won’t be worth your while to spend a lot of time packing if you’re flying. You’ll lose everything anyway. So keep your valuables in your pocket. And then throw them in the trash before boarding. None of that stuff can be carried onto the plane.

Order in the Suitcase

Scholars say that the key to a good suitcase lies in the order in which you pack its contents. Personally, the order that has never failed me is that you are heavier than your suitcase. So the best way to prioritize is to sit on top of it until you can squish the clothes enough to get the damn zipper closed. Plus, it’ll show your suitcase who’s boss around here.

Lifting a Suitcase

In many public transports, you will have to take your suitcase and put it up on a luggage rack. This gesture is responsible for men leading the statistics of shattered vertebrae; as you do it, seeing that everyone is watching, you think, “I can’t handle it, but I’ll get it up there if it’s the last thing I do.” The next thing thing you know, you’re visiting the traumatologist, who, looking at the X-ray, says: “So, you did this on the plane? Did it crash?”

To avoid this situation, I have a wrist bandage that I always put on before traveling. When I pick up my suitcase, I wince and grab the bandage, and there is always some gym goon willing to save me the trouble and give me a hand.

Swiveling Wheels

One of the most significant advances in the world of luggage are the swivel wheels that allow you to drag your suitcase sideways. It is more comfortable and safer to carry your suitcase to the side than to drag it behind you. And, besides, you can’t trust the suitcase at the end of the summer. It has put on weight and developed a bad temper. It is better not to turn your back on it. The authorities won’t tell you because they do not want anyone to know, but hundreds of tourists die every year going down stairs, murdered in cold blood by their suitcases.

Types of Fasteners

There are two major textile schools violently at odds over the issue of clogged zippers. Those of the Pull With All Your Might (PWAYM) and those of the Back Up and Wiggle (BUAW). My eternal and definite sympathies go out to the PWAYMs. The BUAW advocates are the same sort of people who untangle laptop wires and who are incapable of plugging in the cellphone charger if it is knotted, just in case the current gets messed up, the knot gets hot, the plastic melts, a spark jumps, it reaches a blanket, the tragedy is propelled onto the curtains, everything fills with smoke, the fire climbs up the bed, and finally they burn to death in the wee hours of the morning.

Whatever the knot or domestic obstruction, pull with all your might. This carries a special exception: the obstruction of food in the throat. It is not recommended to reach in and pull, as the patient may reflexively bite down. There are a lot of guys without hands who go through life claiming to have suffered a shark attack but who have obviously tried to unclog someone’s gullet.

By the way, in case of choking, some people suggest carrying out the Heimlich maneuver. Personally I prefer the Hendrick’s Maneuver, which consists of giving the victim a gin and tonic as soon as possible (whilst serving yourself another one). It will not avoid the fatality, but they will die quite relaxed.