Glossary of the Perfect Wokeist

On Jun 17, 2023

Alienation: It comes from alien, from the Latin alienus, and derives from the Latin verb alienare, to miss. One can feel alienated when one feels like an alien. I’m sure you’ll be able to collect welfare for that.

Ally: Progressive who feigns support and admiration for a young, blonde, blue-eyed feminist/environmentalist woman with whom he would like to go to dinner to discuss the discrimination female mosquitoes are subjected to in certain populations in Africa, all night long, over mojitos.

Beethoven: Mediocre musician; a despicable person born to make black people, women, gays, and progressives invisible.

Birthing Person: All those human beings who are in a delivery room and are neither doctors, nurses, nor non-birthing persons.

Bopo: The cholesterol fest.

Butler: First instant saint in the woke sanctorale.

Cancel culture: How we win arguments when our opponent is common sense.

Cisnormativity: Birds shooting at shotguns.

Clicktivism: Multiple personality disorder.

Critical Race Theory: When you try to theorize in order to justify why you spend your weekends burning dumpsters in a BLM T-shirt and it backfires.

Critical Consciousness: Expression that can be used when you have house guests, it is getting late, and it would be impolite to directly say: “I’m exhausted, go back to your damn house now.”

Cultural appropriation: I don’t know exactly what the hell it means, but if you use it in an argument, you win.

Diversity: Theological virtue according to the Catechism of the Good Progressive.

Ecofeminism: When you’re not ugly enough to be a feminist, but you enjoy hamburgers and plane rides too much to be an environmentalist.

Empowerment: Marxist redistribution of power.

ESG: Area of a corporation that is in charge of achieving the bankruptcy of said corporation and the dismissal of all employees in the shortest possible time.

Fascism: Everything that is not wokism.

Fatphobia: Used to denounce the hatred of people who, shall we say, obtain non-normative numbers when they step on the scales.

Gender: Semantic artifact that managed to kill sex faster than a headache.

Global Citizen: Inexcusable cheesiness.

Hate Speech: Any State of the Union address by Joe Biden.

Heteropatriarchy: Key term for when a woman wants to obtain a post without having to compete with other men. Update: now women can also be chauvinists, so heteropatriarchy is also used to get rid of women competing for the same position.

Inequality: What happens when you compare your bank account with that of the Biden family.

Intersectionality: Another reason to moan and whine for privileges.

Language: Weapon with which Foucault (a fellow sociologist scoundrel) taught us to change reality when reality cannot be changed.

Mansplain: The woke way of saying someone is an idiot.

Microaggression: When you poke your finger in someone’s eye without realizing it.

New masculinities: Everything that would make John Wayne throw up.

Normative: Enemy to be defeated.

Queer: A theory you could develop yourself in 10 minutes if you chew enough ayahuasca.

Reality: Where fascism lives.

Sexism: I thought it was a new modernist avant-garde movement focused on promoting sex but, no, it’s something much more boring.

Social Justice: An elegant name for communism.

Tolerance: That which must be shown to everyone except Christians.

Toxic Masculinity: When you confuse the whiskey bottle with the aftershave bottle.

Universal Vagina: I have lived 41 years of my life without knowing what that is. I think I can endure another 40 in blissful ignorance.

Trump: Name given to the demon in woke mythology.

Veganism: Substitute for the old Atkins Diet. Second meaning: when even eating becomes an ideological act.

Zero Waste: Ancestral ritual of the Pachamama Worshippers’ sect. The best zero waste in the world is cardboard straws wrapped in plastic bags.

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