2022: Goodbye and Good Riddance – The American Spectator

Brandon Year Two (aka COVID Year 3) lived up to every cynic’s expectation. 2022 was a pointless prima donna of a year. An event in late May summed it up perfectly. At the Louvre Museum in Paris, a transgender “woman,” protesting government inaction on climate change, threw chocolate cake at the Mona Lisa. The painting, protected by bulletproof glass, was undamaged.

January

Just before New Year’s Eve, Old Joe Biden claimed his economic record was enviable. He said, “We’re ending 2021 with what one analyst described as the strongest first-year economic track record of any president in the last 50 years.” When conservatives demanded to know which “one analyst” Biden relied on, Barbra Streisand admitted it was her.

Bidenflation caused beer to become cheaper than gasoline, so Mothers Against Drunk Driving announced a new motto, “Drink, Don’t Drive.”

Having replaced Andrew “The Love Gov” Cuomo, Noo Yawk’s new governor, Kathy Hochul, declared that racism was a public health crisis in the Empire State while signing new legislation on hate crimes. Two days later, the state’s Department of Public Health issued a ban on white people getting oral antiviral pills to treat COVID.

It quickly became obvious that Veep Kammy Harris was vying to replace Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez (D-NY) for the title of dumbest Democrat. Harris said, “It is time for us to do what we have been doing, and that time is every day. Every day, it is time for us to agree that there are things and tools that are available to us to slow this thing down.” If she meant the U.S. economy, thanks to Old Joe, it was already coming to a juddering halt.

North Korea claimed that Kim Jong-un’s daddy, Kim Jong-il, had invented the burrito. His invention didn’t catch on because a kimchi burrito isn’t very appetizing. Meanwhile, California residents were fleeing for free states at so great a rate that U-Haul ran out of rental trucks. In response to that report, California Gov. Gavin Nuisance proposed a new plan that would essentially double the state’s income tax.

The Transportation Security Administration, in a letter to a congressman, wrote that illegal immigrants can use arrest warrants or warrants for deportation as IDs to fly on U.S. airlines. As the long month finally ended, a study found that drinking red wine could prevent a COVID infection.

February

The Washington Football Team — previously named the “Redskins” — was renamed the “Commanders.” Its nickname is “the Commies” and its mascot is George Armstrong Custer.

During the Kung Flu Olympics, a lot of non-Chinese athletes were disqualified because of failing COVID tests or, in the case of Russia, drug use. The U.S. Men’s Curling Team was disqualified when routine medical tests found that they had traces of testosterone in their systems. The Babylon Bee reported that several new events were held, including the Uyghur luge, in which sliders rode a live Uyghur down an ice trail.

Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene, upset with Speaker Wile E. Pelosi’s Capitol Police Praetorian Guard, accused them of being Pelosi’s “gazpacho police spying on members of Congress.” Ms. Greene is not a descendant of Wernher von Braun.

A new study revealed that if women knew how many of life’s problems could be solved with duct tape, they’d give up on men entirely.

Canadian Pusillanimity Minister Justin Trudeau fled town when truckers — protesting his mask and vaccine mandates — took over the streets in Ottawa.  New Zealand’s government, seeking to put down similar protests, engaged in excessively violent tactics by playing Barry Manilow songs at an exceptionally loud volume to get the protesters to disband.

Kalamity Kammy said, “We have the ability to see what can be, unburdened by what has been. And then to make the possible actually happen.” Unfortunately for her, John Kerry — Biden’s climate czar — is less prolix. He took the lead in the moronic statement of the year contest when, after Russia invaded Ukraine, he urged Putin to not let the war in Ukraine detract from its efforts to fight climate change.

A study of the effects of Seattle’s soda tax — meant to discourage the consumption of sugary beverages — found that it had caused a huge increase in beer consumption.

March

On the afternoon before Biden’s first State of the Union address, Wile E. Pelosi said he was unpopular, “Because for people to appreciate what the president has done, and working together with the Congress, they have to know what it is.” Of course. Americans are just too dumb to understand all the great things Biden has done for them.

“Nomophobia” — the fear of being without your mobile phone — was reportedly the No. 1 unusual fear among New Yorkers. “Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia” — the fear of long words — is second, but only among those who can’t pronounce it. On a similar note, scientists named the fossil remains of a vampire squid “Syllipsimopodi bideni.” They swore it was not their intent to mock Biden, having decided against the name “Syllipsimopodi letsgo brandoni.”

Trying to deal with Russia’s invasion of Ukraine, Biden sent Kalamity Kammy to a NATO meeting where she made more incomprehensible remarks. Meanwhile, the Babylon Bee reported that Ukrainian officials were working frantically to put paintings by Hunter Biden in a safe place.

A writer in the Atlantic wrote that a nuclear war would be terrible for Earth’s climate. Of more immediate concern, the manufacturer of Doritos announced that there would be five fewer chips in each bag because of Bidenflation.

The Babylon Bee reported that soon after he caught COVID, Obama was awarded the Nobel Prize in Medicine. In a similar report, transgender Assistant Secretary for Health Rachel Levine was named a woman of the year by USA Today. Not to be outdone, the Babylon Bee named Levine its man of the year, resulting in the Bee being immediately banned from Twitter.

After Tom Brady announced his retirement from football, a fan paid $518,000 for the football with which he threw his last touchdown pass. Shortly after the football was purchased, Brady announced that he was coming back for another season with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Biden complained that every time he lies down for a nap, White House staffers cover him with an American flag.

PETA scolded the NFL for naming an offense the “horse-collar tackle,” saying it demeans horses.

The city of Tampa, Florida, spent $350,000 on solar-powered lighting for a park that closes at dusk. The Babylon Bee reported that Pennsylvania State University transgender “woman” swimmer Lia Thomas, who won the NCAA women’s 500-meter swim, has performance-enhancing testicles.

Centenary University in Hackettstown, New Jersey, announced it was starting a program in which students could earn a master’s degree in “Happiness Studies.” The program’s faculty all commute from New York or Pennsylvania.

Kalamity Kammy said, “The significance of the passage of time, right? The significance of the passage of time. So when you think about it, there is great significance to the passage of time … there is such great significance to the passage of time.”

April

On April 1, appropriately enough, Sarah Palin announced she was running for Congress. She hoped to be the Republican answer to Rep. Alexandria Cutie-Cortez. Gasoline prices across the nation got so high that Chicago gang leaders said drive-by shootings would be discontinued until the price dropped to $3 per gallon.

During her confirmation hearing on her Supreme Court nomination, Biden nominee Ketanji Brown Jackson said she couldn’t define the term “woman” because she’s not a biologist. That is the first recorded instance of a liberal admitting that biology defines gender.

Scientists determined that mushrooms could talk to each other using electrical signals containing a vocabulary of at least 50 words. The scientists had apparently been eating some mushrooms while observing others. The Washington state Legislature passed a law requiring its state code to delete the word “marijuana” everywhere it appears and replace it with “cannabis” because, they decided, “marijuana” is a racist term.

Brazil’s government ordered 35,000 doses of Viagra for its army, which is either too little for its 334,000 troops or just enough for Brazil’s generals.

U.S. Capitol Police panicked when they saw an unknown aircraft flying close to the U.S. Capitol, so they evacuated the building. The aircraft veered away and delivered the Army’s Golden Knights parachute team, who jumped from it into the nearby stadium before a Washington Nationals baseball game.

Department of Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Majorkas declared that our southern border was secure and in the next breath announced that DHS had created a new Ministry of Truth called the “Disinformation Governing…