Paul F. Tompkins has the perfect name for the Philadelphia Stars’ mascot

After months of anticipation, the Philadelphia Stars‘ first season in almost 40 years is right around the corner.

Their uniforms have been debuted, their inaugural class of players has been drafted, and on Monday, less than a week before the USFL officially kicks off, the Stars shared with the world their new mascot: A red, devilish-looking dude with unmoving, godless eyes, an oversized jersey, and a belly that would make Gritty and the Phanatic proud.

The only thing missing? A name.

Yup, whether due to a Daniel Snyder-level of indecisiveness or a fun way to generate easy fan interactions, the Philadelphia Stars opted to omit a name on their “out of this world” – sorry – new mascot, and who came in hot with a perfect name? That would be local comedian/podcaster Paul F. Tompkins, who dropped a name that was both Philly-themed and astronomy adjacent. Who’da thought?

Peanut butter and Jelly, Spoon and Fork, Jawn and… astronomy?

Mascots are at their best when they capture the heart, soul, and identity of their team.

Swoop is an Eagle who wears a green jersey. Gritty is a big orange monster who is equal parts embracing and terrifying, much like being a fan of the Philadelphia Flyers. Franklin is… a dog, but hey, people really like dogs. And as for the Phillie Phanatic? Well, he’s sort of the gold standard in mascotting, so much so that John Oliver tried to steal him away from the City of Brotherly Love during the great mascot lawsuit of 2021.

So what would perfectly encapsulate a team named after a celestial object in the sky and a Philly team that is stuck playing in Alabama during their first season of action since 1984? Well, if Paul F. Tompkins has his say, the name is one as nonsensical as it is brilliant: Jawnstellation.

Now granted, is that a somewhat goofy name? You bet, but come on, we’re talking about a big, red, horned mascot that couldn’t even splurge for googly eyes and belongs to a team that plays in a league that may not make it to 2023. If they’re willing to use a name reveal to generate cheap heat on social media, they’d surely name their plush-skinned newborn something as… creative as Jawnstellation.

Furthermore, the idea that a professional sports team, even one technically owned by Fox Sports, would include the word Jawn in its mascot’s name is objectively hilarious. Frankly, there’s a solid swash of folks who will likely call the mascot “that big red jawn ova their” in a thick DelCo accent anyway, so why not embrace that as part of the team’s identity? Outside of dressing up an intern in a giant soft pretzel and having him fight off seagulls at the 50-yard line at halftime, I can’t think of something more Philly than that.

Will the Philadelphia Stars name their mascot Jawnstellation? No, probably not, they’ll surely chicken out and settle on something like “Lucky” or “Dipper,” but goodness, could you imagine if they did go with Paul F. Tompkins’ suggestion? That alone might be worthy of a John Oliver segment, which might be more publicity than the entire USFL will receive otherwise.