Stupid Summer Activities V: Writing Letters to Ex-Girlfriends – The American Spectator

Some people find summer boring. That’s true. Maybe nothing important is happening, the whole country is immersed in a strange calm, and people are more concerned with their tans than with committing major crimes.

Can’t stand this boredom anymore? If you want to reverse the situation, you have an infallible formula to liven up the summer and get into big trouble: Take out your best sheet of paper and a good fountain pen and write to an ex-girlfriend.

Besides, if you’re looking for the perfect time to write to an ex-girlfriend and get into trouble, summer is definitely it. You have free time, solitude, a lot of people in love around you, and enough yards of beach to run away in case someone comes to bust your head in, which is what happens every time you decide to write to a woman you loved (and who is now loved by a giant grizzly bear).

What Is an Ex-Girlfriend?

An ex-girlfriend is a friend you can no longer call.

How to Get an Ex

According to all manuals of the Amatory Sciences, in order to get an ex-girlfriend, there is an indispensable condition, without the possibility of excuse or dispensation, to have previously had a girlfriend. I am not in a position to contradict this observation from the sages of the Amatory Sciences. 

Why Write to Her?

There is no reason to write to an ex-girlfriend that doesn’t involve whiskey, vodka, or rum, equal parts of some soda, and ice. 

The Greeting

Never start a letter to an ex-girlfriend by using the affectionate nickname you used to call her when you were together. For some inexplicable reason, the guy she’s living with now gets pretty irritated when his girlfriend receives a letter with the greeting: “Dear little slice of orange floating in mascarpone ice cream.” (Author’s note: If you’ve ever called your partner this, it’s best to abandon the letter idea and try an antipsychotic such as Asenapine (Sublingual).)

The greeting should be austere enough that no one suspects special affection and close enough that you don’t sound like the queen of England. 

It is best to keep it very brief. But no matter how much you are a guy, remember that women are capable of developing a doctoral thesis from a “hello” and that the conclusions of those theses will come back to haunt you sooner or later. So, in addition to being brief, it must be intelligent. 

In letters to ex-girlfriends, onomatopoeic headings are now very popular. “Uh” is fine. “Uh” is a bit flippant. “Ah” is too distressing. And “oh” could be interpreted as a romantic attempt to reclaim that relationship by waking up the beast she’s now dating. Surely the best greeting is a long succession of ellipses.

Careful With Neruda

It was Neruda who said, “Love is so short and oblivion is so long.” Not a bad theme for a letter to an ex if you want it to end up in the fire or with her boyfriend coming to visit with a machete before appearing on the midday news with you.

In general, resorting to Neruda is fine whenever you want to sabotage a relationship, active or not: “I want to do with you what spring does to the cherry trees.” Someone like Neruda, to whom this quote was attributed and yet did nothing to disprove it, can only destroy courtships. In short, don’t even think of leaving such a written declaration to your ex-girlfriend unless Neruda himself rises from his grave to explain in detail what the hell spring actually does to the cherry trees, a question that has kept philologists in suspense since time immemorial.

Useless Letters

The good thing about summer is that it encourages us to talk about what surrounds us. It is very typical to receive letters in which a friend tells us that he has been at the pool all afternoon, or that he has just come from the beach, or that he was having cocktails last night. It is not original, but it is emotionally neutral. To an ex that will always be better than telling her, “I miss you so much that I’m thinking of going to fetch you and convince you to leave that other guy.”

I don’t know exactly what kind of beach sunstroke has led you to write a letter to your ex, but if you intend to get back together, the best thing to do is own up to your past mistakes. An honest way to do it — and guaranteed to work: “I, Itxu Díaz, hereby certify that I am an idiot, that I will continue to be one for the rest of my life, that I am always wrong, and that you were, are, and always will be right.”

A diplomatic tone is fine for settling relationships between countries, but it does not work between people: “I am happy to address you in homage to the peaceful coexistence and the historical relationship that unites our respective nations, with the purpose of proposing a bilateral rapprochement and the immediate cessation of hostilities between both. I appeal to the postcard dated 02/14/1994, at that time Valentine’s Day, by virtue of which you assured that the friendly agreement would last ‘for a lifetime,’ which I undoubtedly interpreted as an implicit annual renewal forever and ever. Without further ado, and earnestly awaiting your reply, I send you my best regards.”

The Farewell

Saying your farewells is always a complicated moment. Never just write “goodbye” because that sounds as though you’re saying goodbye. Never quote Neruda to say goodbye unless you want to break ties with that girl forever. Only if you also want her to block you on Twitter, mention something by Paulo Coelho. And only, only if you really hate her and never want to see her again, include a dedicated book by Amanda Gorman in the envelope. 

Translated by Joel Dalmau.

READ MORE from Itxu Díaz:

Stupid Summer Activities I: Climbing a Mountain

Stupid Summer Activities II: The Perfect Barbecue

Stupid Summer Activities III: Exasperating the Children