Ten Things Biden Could Do in 2024 (Better Than Running for Office) – The American
I’ve been thinking a lot about this. I don’t know if I’ll make it past 80. I suspect I won’t. If I do reach that age, I may have to keep writing because, after all, I have to get money for whiskey from somewhere. However, if I had a choice, I would do anything other than work. I am amazed at Biden because he, being able to engage in any idle activity, is bent on continuing to work, or whatever it is he does while he wanders around the White House doing confusing and unpleasant things as if he were the Dalai Lama.
I think one of Biden’s problems is that no one has told him that, besides running for president, there are other things you can do in life. So I have decided to present him with alternatives, in case he wants to change his attitude, lay down his electoral weapon, and slowly surrender to the health authorities. Here are a few:
Tend the garden
Oh, Joe. You’re going to love this. It’s quite a bit easier than designing U.S. tax policy. You scatter some seeds, water them from time to time, give a few snips here and there as if you really know what you’re doing, and finally hire a gardener so that you can sit back and watch him work. Is there anything more pleasurable than seeing someone else prick their hands and get covered in dirt for you? If you feel nostalgic for the power to enslave others that you had at the White House, you can even ask the gardener to wear a mask while he tidies up your garden.
It’s a relaxing activity. If you spend three or four hours painting mandalas, the world seems more beautiful. They say it relaxes, exercises motor skills, and greatly improves cognitive function; Joe, I’m not at all implying that you need any such things, but the benefits would be immediate: for example, while you’re painting mandalas, it’s almost impossible for you to order a chaotic retreat from Afghanistan.
Argue with ChatGPT
There’s a friend for you, Joe, a real friend. I’ve chatted with it and it says you’re terrific and moderate, and that Trump is a troublesome and controversial gentleman. Could it be that ChatGPT is in charge of writing editorials for the New York Times?
Amanda Gorman can help you with this. You could compete with her to see who can come up with the cheesiest and silliest lines. I propose two ideas to start your poetry book: a declaration of love for the electric car and a gothic romance against gas stoves.
Go for a walk anywhere
Biden loves to do this. The only problem is that often while people are waiting for him in one place, he is in another. The way to solve this problem is to not be president of the United States. That way, no one is waiting for you to be anywhere to do anything, so you can go out and walk around aimlessly and enjoy the pleasure of improvisation without your wobbly gait making the news all over the world.
Sign up for Tinder
Joe, here’s an opportunity: one of the great advantages of dating apps is that they are all deeply concerned with preventing minors from participating. They don’t say anything about octogenarians.
Become a North Korean national
This will definitely allow you to carry on doing the same thing you were doing from the White House: trying to sink the United States.
Participate in the Olympic Games
Come on, buddy, what’s holding you back? Your doctor Kevin O’Connor recently published a report that says you are “healthy and vigorous.” That’s already better than 90 percent of the population, including a good portion of Olympic athletes and all columnists. To ensure your success, my advice is to sign up as Josephine and participate in the women’s iPhone lobbing. Every law has a loophole (wink wink).
Become a TikToker
Xi Jinping likes this.
Organize your personal finances
Hey, Joe. I think you’ve got your work cut out for you there… Talk to Hunter.
Bonus idea: fight against climate change.
During your term in office, this has been a big concern of yours. You have tried to sink the middle classes exactly like idiot European bureaucrats have. It’s time to stop sending the troops to the front line in this war. Set an example: use only bicycles for long trips, eat only fake Gates steaks, change your clothes for an eco-friendly washable tunic made from tuberose stems, stop showering daily, and take a canoe to Greenland to measure the ice cap with Al Gore. Extra personal safety tip: take a couple of Greenpeace activists on board. It scares the bears away.
Translated by Joel Dalmau.